He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
