so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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