I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
That accounts for only three of the penises
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
