that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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