I can feel you judging me through the phone.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
