This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
