I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
