I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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