was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
