We won't sleep together?
I will die if light touches me.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
