I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
