so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
