I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
