I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I could fuck to npr.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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