Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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