You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
