Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
