just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
