i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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