Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
