the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
There's always time for handjobs
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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