I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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