he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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