people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
