Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
