Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
