I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
You took a bar mat shot.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
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