mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
My balls are so social today.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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