i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
