Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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