Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
