sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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