If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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