Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
