Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
