I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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