The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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