I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
