i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
