If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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