kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
