mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
