splinters make it hard to masturbate
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
