True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I could make wine with my vomit
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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