Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
