if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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