All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I wish i was in the wii world.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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