when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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