I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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