In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Everyone says I win the strip club
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
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