I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
