Your mouth is God's brothel.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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