Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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