You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
