There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
