i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
