brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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