He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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